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barfingupanxiety

May 10, 2016

This’ll work.

IMG_2915

Taken while driving home Monday night from Pleasant Grove. Jim points to the setting sun. I whip out my iPhone. It’s come to that. I remain impressed what an iPhone can do while hurtling down the highway and shooting through very dirty, bug-spotted windows, avoiding windshield wiper blades and antennas to get the best angle on the sun and that neato lone, leafless stump of a tree, which I always like seeing against a saturated sky.

But this was good, because I needed a picture that sort of conveys the overwhelm, or maybe calms the overwhelm. Right now I’m managing–or trying to manage–my own overwhelm and taking in most of Peter’s too.

Meh. Here’s what it is.

Theanxietylistincludesgraduationplanningandfamilywhoisvisitinghopefully

thesantacruzcollegechoiceandreservingaspotatorientationandclassschedulingand

dormitoriesandthatpeskygradnightcommitteeworkandbeingsofarbehindand

thenofcoursetherearealltherecentbaseballlossesandtheheartbreakingfallfrom

greatnessandthehorrorsofendofbaseballandschoolgradesdroppinglikestonesandhoping

hedoesnotgetanythingbelowaCandfiguringoutwhattodoforpropergraduation

fetingandgiftingandwhaabouthowtocelebratepeters18thbirthdayhereandinhawaiimaybe

aroundoffancygolfwhileinmauiandthankgoodnessifinallyalbeitsolateimissedsomegood

possibilitesmadereservationsforanairbnbonwestmauiandhowaboutajobforpeterthis

summerorwillheplaypostbaseballbuthereallyneedsmoneyanddoesnotevenknowhowto

usehisbankaccountandhasapileofuncashedchecksfromwaybackandbacktograduationwhata

boutannouncementsandapartyuphereandonedownsouthandshoulditjustbeforhimor

shallwepartnerupwithotherkidsandpeterlostnotonlyhisbikebutnowhisbikehelmet

andhisbaseballsweatshirtandhiscarkeysandhousekeyanduntiltonighthewasnot

abletofindhiswalletwithislicenseandhetriedtodepositsomechecksbuthisbankcard

thatwasneveractivatedhadalreadyexpiredandhowintheworldwillhemanageonhis

ownifhecannotevendohisownbankingforgodssakeandiwonderifheshappyorexcited

orscaredoroverwhelmedatallthechangescomingandifeelsothrilledforhimandyetiamsodesp

ondentovertheupcomingtransitiontoalifeandhouseholdwithoutthedailypresenseofourkidd

oandwhataboutmy87yearoldmomwhowillneedaliveinpersonsoonbutcannottolerate

theideaandihavenotbeenabletospendtimewithherbecauseofbaseballandrightnowiam

sosorrytheyareinamassiveslumpandwilltheyevenmakeplayoffsandtomorrowcouldbeourlas

tbaseballgameeverwhichisimplycannotbearicannotevenbegintofocusonmystuffirghtnow

likegettingahipreplacementandgrindingdownabonespurinmystupidthumbandi

ambehindonbackblogsfromsummerandtheholidaysandicannotdomyusualblogtoprint

untilicatchupandthereareprojectssomanyprojectsthatareonholduntilihavejusta

weebitofpsychicspaceandineedapedicureandwhyohwhyamistillworkingineedto

doacostcorunandmakeacalendarfor2016alittlelatehuhanddoabunchoffilingbuthatcansurel

ywaituntilnextfallwhenihavestoppedreelingfromthechangesandheartacheandloss

ineedahaircutandibelieveineedtocutoutglutonandsugarandneedsomuchmore

sleepandexercisethaniamgettingshoot.

2 Responses to “barfingupanxiety”

  1. Michael Ann Says:

    That conveys it exactly doesn’t it? 😦 Overwhelm is the worst.

    • Kari Says:

      I have been screaming into thick blankets a lot and screaming into the air when nobody’s around. Both give me headaches. I have been crying at nothing and everything, constantly. I have been talking to myself with lots of reminders about perspective and all that is working and saying to take many deep breaths. Sometimes I even take my own advice. And I’ve been writing. And list making. Looking ahead to fall when it will be less crazy, but dreading fall when it’s all over. At least this phase of life. I can hardly bear it.


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