barfingupanxiety
May 10, 2016
This’ll work.
Taken while driving home Monday night from Pleasant Grove. Jim points to the setting sun. I whip out my iPhone. It’s come to that. I remain impressed what an iPhone can do while hurtling down the highway and shooting through very dirty, bug-spotted windows, avoiding windshield wiper blades and antennas to get the best angle on the sun and that neato lone, leafless stump of a tree, which I always like seeing against a saturated sky.
But this was good, because I needed a picture that sort of conveys the overwhelm, or maybe calms the overwhelm. Right now I’m managing–or trying to manage–my own overwhelm and taking in most of Peter’s too.
Meh. Here’s what it is.
Theanxietylistincludesgraduationplanningandfamilywhoisvisitinghopefully
thesantacruzcollegechoiceandreservingaspotatorientationandclassschedulingand
dormitoriesandthatpeskygradnightcommitteeworkandbeingsofarbehindand
thenofcoursetherearealltherecentbaseballlossesandtheheartbreakingfallfrom
greatnessandthehorrorsofendofbaseballandschoolgradesdroppinglikestonesandhoping
hedoesnotgetanythingbelowaCandfiguringoutwhattodoforpropergraduation
fetingandgiftingandwhaabouthowtocelebratepeters18thbirthdayhereandinhawaiimaybe
aroundoffancygolfwhileinmauiandthankgoodnessifinallyalbeitsolateimissedsomegood
possibilitesmadereservationsforanairbnbonwestmauiandhowaboutajobforpeterthis
summerorwillheplaypostbaseballbuthereallyneedsmoneyanddoesnotevenknowhowto
usehisbankaccountandhasapileofuncashedchecksfromwaybackandbacktograduationwhata
boutannouncementsandapartyuphereandonedownsouthandshoulditjustbeforhimor
shallwepartnerupwithotherkidsandpeterlostnotonlyhisbikebutnowhisbikehelmet
andhisbaseballsweatshirtandhiscarkeysandhousekeyanduntiltonighthewasnot
abletofindhiswalletwithislicenseandhetriedtodepositsomechecksbuthisbankcard
thatwasneveractivatedhadalreadyexpiredandhowintheworldwillhemanageonhis
ownifhecannotevendohisownbankingforgodssakeandiwonderifheshappyorexcited
orscaredoroverwhelmedatallthechangescomingandifeelsothrilledforhimandyetiamsodesp
ondentovertheupcomingtransitiontoalifeandhouseholdwithoutthedailypresenseofourkidd
oandwhataboutmy87yearoldmomwhowillneedaliveinpersonsoonbutcannottolerate
theideaandihavenotbeenabletospendtimewithherbecauseofbaseballandrightnowiam
sosorrytheyareinamassiveslumpandwilltheyevenmakeplayoffsandtomorrowcouldbeourlas
tbaseballgameeverwhichisimplycannotbearicannotevenbegintofocusonmystuffirghtnow
likegettingahipreplacementandgrindingdownabonespurinmystupidthumbandi
ambehindonbackblogsfromsummerandtheholidaysandicannotdomyusualblogtoprint
untilicatchupandthereareprojectssomanyprojectsthatareonholduntilihavejusta
weebitofpsychicspaceandineedapedicureandwhyohwhyamistillworkingineedto
doacostcorunandmakeacalendarfor2016alittlelatehuhanddoabunchoffilingbuthatcansurel
ywaituntilnextfallwhenihavestoppedreelingfromthechangesandheartacheandloss
ineedahaircutandibelieveineedtocutoutglutonandsugarandneedsomuchmore
sleepandexercisethaniamgettingshoot.
Life of Wry 
May 11, 2016 at 4:55 am
That conveys it exactly doesn’t it? 😦 Overwhelm is the worst.
May 11, 2016 at 8:54 am
I have been screaming into thick blankets a lot and screaming into the air when nobody’s around. Both give me headaches. I have been crying at nothing and everything, constantly. I have been talking to myself with lots of reminders about perspective and all that is working and saying to take many deep breaths. Sometimes I even take my own advice. And I’ve been writing. And list making. Looking ahead to fall when it will be less crazy, but dreading fall when it’s all over. At least this phase of life. I can hardly bear it.