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Appleplectic

May 29, 2015

I’m excited because I finally have a blog post for which I can use this title.

Here’s what happened:

Peter’s iPhone’s been out of commission for about five or six weeks. Let’s just say something really bad happened to it. This bad thing made for a hilarious story if you’re Peter, or one of Peter’s friends, and a useful story if you’re Peter’s parents (you have to appreciate stories that provide good teaching moments). But, it’s a story I am not allowed to tell. If I did–and here’s where I finally get to show off my new word–Peter would get Appleplectic.**

And actually, for the first month or so, he could use his phone, but just had a hard time seeing it. But then things went from bad to worse because a couple weeks ago, he dropped it. Which further shattered the screen, and then it looked like this:

IMG_6705

And was completely unusable.

Incidentally, that crater-like hole on the top, has a matching golfball-sized bulge on the bottom. Miraculously, the impact of the mystery object that caused this trauma did damage only to the phone’s battery, not to any of its components.

You could also say we were a bit Appleplectic when we saw his phone in this state–his new iPhone 6 that he’d badgered us for months to get. Especially considering the bone-headed way he destroyed it in the first place…

Nevermind.

But, really, look at this:

IMG_6709

I don’t think our annoyance is unreasonable. We certainly aren’t being cellfish!

I wanted to say, “Dude, I know that in the youniverse you live in, this is not a big deal… but for us, around whom the world does NOT revolve, it’s real property, real money, real time and real inconvenient to have to deal with this.”

But that would just make for a classic teenage nonversation.

“Here’s a great idea!” I wanted to say. “YOU created this situation, YOU can buy your own replacement phone!”

That turned out to be an epiphanot.

Not having a working phone has created more than a few hassles and inconveniences for Peter in the past few weeks.  His friends have continued to send messages to him on his phone, and had every textpectation he’d respond, but he could not. He missed social things, online game things, Snapchatty things… It’s like, today, if you remove a kid’s lifeline to his friends, his life comes to a screeching halt. He’s alone, at home, lazily, if cozily lounging away on the couch, just him and the Internest, except he has no phone, so…  so….

Hmmm… I was going somewhere with that…. guess I got hit with a bit of destinesia.

(I certainly wasn’t going to try and use the word masturdate in a sentence.)

Anyway.

Here’s the good news. Jim decided to try and fix the phone himself. He ordered the parts and then consulted the YouTuberverse and a few hours later, it was fixed and its operating system upgraded. Now Siri doesn’t work for Peter, but, all things considered, that’s not a big deal. When Peter got home from school and got the news that his phone was functional again, he was so excited he screamed “YESSSSSS!!!”, grabbed me into some sort of teen version of a bear hug, lifted me up, and, I think, in his exuberance, may have cracked one of my ribs. I am not kidding. I didn’t want him to feel too bad about that, so I only privately grimaced. He did run to get some ice.

Again: appleplectic, this time in the joy sense of the wold.

I had a few more of these words… but this post would have gotten even worse if I’d tried to incorporate them. Here they are in case you also love dumb humor: Askhole (someone who asks inane questions); carcolepsy (falling asleep while driving); ambitchous (going after what you want in a mean way); unlightening (something that is, you know, not enlightening, or a bad thing you have to unlearn); upbrella (the open state of an umbrella…this one I made up… Jim thought its companion, downbrella, was a stretch).

You’re welcome.

** I totally made up this word, but if you Google appleplectic, you’ll find I’m not the first one. Still, I take full credit. The other ones I borrowed.

2 Responses to “Appleplectic”

  1. Elliot Margolies Says:

    shorten a bit and submit it to publications! a classic for parents but so much fun and clever

    • Kari Says:

      You are too kind. Too much isn’t mine. The story totally is, but not the words. EXCEPT APPLEPLECTIC! 🙂 And upbrella.

      🙂


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