Life of Wry

In early 2014, Melinda, the founding and longtime editor-in-chief of the alternative paper Sacramento News and Review, married to my friend Dave, found out she had a rare form of skin cancer and had a “yearish” to live. In 2015, she wrote an op-ed piece that ran in the LA Times describing the experience of a terminal diagnosis.

It’s worth reading for its intelligence and clarity in the face of such an unknown path.

I’m fascinated by how people handle their transitions. Jim and I have definitely entered that time in life when our generation is experiencing the passing of parents, and more than a few in our generation are facing untimely deaths. It’s just no longer out there.  I’m very grateful for the many reminders to cherish–to look around, recognize the beauty and many gifts of life, let go of the icky stuff, relax and love.   

I like what Melinda said here in her op-ed:

I sometimes worry about my ability to exit life with grace and humor. What if I’m bad at suffering? I admit I can fill up with fear, but what’s the point? For counsel, I turn to my favorite philosopher, Lao Tzu: Be content with what you have/rejoice in the way things are/When you realize there is nothing lacking/the whole world belongs to you.

I understand that my infinitesimally tiny piece in all this is coming to a close. Letting go will be difficult, but death has its own clock. So I will take solace in the idea that, once gone, I may come to occupy a small space in the hearts of the people who loved me most. And perhaps from there, I will be a source of a few simple reminders: Time is limited. Life is miraculous. And we are beautiful.

She’s had a pretty good year. Her oncologist, coincidentally a guy from Davis whose practice is in San Francisco (and also someone I knew as a somewhat awkward junior high school student at Holmes whom I supervised in a recreation program I ran for the City of Davis back in the early 80s), included her in a clinical trial (described in a follow up  LA Times op-ed a couple of months ago) which, so far, has been impressively successful. She describes herself as being a lucky participant on the very fortunate front lines of new strategies for cancer treatment–in particular, immunotherapy–and that it’s offered her the gift of extra time:

My place in the timeline of these changes is at the inception, and there is much yet that is not understood. My treatments are stretching the good time I have left, not lifting my death sentence. I am still coming to terms as best I can with my own unequivocal transience.

When people are surprised to see me, I tell them I’m among the early fortunate. I am grateful each day for my husband, family and friends. Facing death on a close horizon has heightened my awareness that our time on Earth is finite. But quite unexpectedly it has also made me a living, breathing advertisement for humanity’s hopeful new edge on cancer.

Well. All of this is to say that Melinda’s 60th birthday was last week and today she was celebrated by a warm (and fun and sizable!) crowd gathered at the Davis Art Center.

^^ Melinda, a guy I don’t know, and Dave listening to well wishes.

Melinda made comments, too:

She spoke about how it’s so unfortunate that the greatest party ever thrown for a person is their wake, how we so often lament that the person is not there among his/her family and closest friends, all of whom are remembering and sharing the very best of that person. Melinda decided to attend her own party… so to speak.

Pretty great.

Her comments were very brief, prompting the funniest comment of the evening from Dave… something like: My wife spent a lifetime writing and editing 4000-word pieces…

It was good to be among a surprising number of friends..a reminder that our community is both large and has embracing arms (and also good music, flowers and food!).

I did the ol’ take a picture of the screen while watching a movie trick. This is part of the rescue scene in Sully. 

Not without flaws and a bit of Hollywoodizing, the movie was interesting and very watchable. The true story about the US Airways flight in 2009 that ended up in the Hudson River in NYC. It was pretty fantastic seeing how it all happened, and the process by which they absolved the pilot of responsibility–even as he safely landed a plane in the middle of a river in the dead of winter and didn’t lose a single life. Tried to sully his reputation. But didn’t succeed.

That Tom Hanks and that Captain Sullenberger. Coupla class acts.

John and Alexis took River to Yosemite for the first time and posted a photo on Facebook today of the three of them hiking to the top of Vernal Falls (well.. two of them hiking, one riding).

And, oh man, I hope it’s the start of many a family tradition!!!

It brought back a wonderful memory of Jim, Peter and me hiking to the top of Vernal Falls.

It was October of 2005, and the whole family spent a long weekend at the Ahwahnee Hotel (some, like us, stayed in the tent cabins), celebrating Aunt Joy’s 70th birthday.  It was a fantastic weekend, full of fun. Here’s the group…

Jay’s looking down, Conner’s face is covered, Uncle Vic’s in the shadow of his hat, and Chris is partially obscured, but otherwise, pretty good shot. It looks like Uncle Bud and I had picture taking duties. Since the photo is missing Uncle Bud, here’s a particularly wonderful photo of him taken a couple of minutes prior…

(He was looking up at Yosemite Falls on a very sunny, bright day!)

Anyway, the reason I went back into this archive was to check out our own pictures of Vernal Falls. Peter, Jim and I went up with Jay and Chris that day and had a fantastic time. Peter was seven and did a great job on the climb:

Here are Peter and Jim grunting up the valley wall amid lovely fall color:

P and me:

(He had a very loose tooth on that trip which came out ten days later…. and could have been his first)…

Back to Vernal Falls…. here are we three at the top:

I love these guys and this place so much.

Inching closer and closer to readying the boy for college.  Today…

What a racket. You go into the store and head for the college section. There, you find print outs of the dorm room needs for dozens of colleges and universities across the country. They’ve got this down and seem to provide absolutely everything a kid could need… one-stop-shopping. This late in the season, however, you’re dealing with the dregs in terms of inventory (we’re at the tail end of the college dorm season because most of the UCs start so late in September). Still… enough to choose from.

We filled our cart… about $500 in sheets (I’m not sure you can find twin X-long anywhere else), mattress cover, towels, laundry bag, shower caddy, charging station, desk lamp, etc., etc., etc.  Peter’s not a particularly enthusiastic shopper and will be an even less enthusiastic room setter upper.. but he’s equipped.

Me: (All eager) Here’s a cool rug.

Him: No (which was more like a grunt).

Me: (Still eager) How about a back rest for your bed? 

Him: (Distracted, looking at something on his phone) No.

Me: (Less eager) Do you think you’ll want some pictures or posters on your wall?

Him: (Sideways glance) No.

Me: (Resigned) Well, we can take your guitar mount and see if there’s a good wall to hang it on.

Him: (Annoyed) I’m not taking my guitar. Can we be done? 

I’m sure if he were my daughter instead, we’d be framing special photos of friends to hang above her bed, and we’d decorate with twinkly lights and rugs and we might hang Indian tapestries from the ceiling. It’s a given we’d have color coordinated bedding and monogrammed towels. Of course, thought would go into desk organization and lighting, and calls would certainly be made to the future roommate about coordinating the mini fridge, coffee maker and microwave.

I don’t remember much about outfitting and decorating my own dorm room, but I do remember a stereo, albums and posters. At eighteen, I was still in my cute phase and didn’t consider it the slightest bit embarrassing to bring stuffed animals.  (Now that mortifies me, but then it didn’t.)

Anyway.

Peter is not me, not a young woman, not sentimental and, above all, does not want to stand out (or commit any faux pas). He did fine.

He’ll figure out how all this dorm stuff works after a few weeks. If needed, he can embellish as he goes along.

And truly, his lack of enthusiasm was likely a combination of his genuine disinterest in shopping, plus a bit of anxiety. I shall consider it a successful outing and another item off the list.

~~

Also in the category of moving the ball down the field: Jim and I attended Kaiser’s hip replacement class today.

Here is one of three presenters….

In ninety minutes, we heard all about how to prepare, what to expect on surgery day, and what to do to ensure a successful recovery. We also learned that Kaiser is an industry leader, setting the trend in modern joint replacements with a program called ERAS… Enhanced Recovery After Surgery. Essentially, it’s all aimed at getting you home. That’s why all the effort to so thoroughly prepare you on all aspects of the process, including lining up your caregivers and preparing your home environment. Half the people getting total joint replacements will go home the same day. The other half will stay one night, and one night only. Everyone will be up and walking shortly after the surgery. We all go home with walkers. We all get oxycodone and dilaudid.

I’m tellin’ ya.

My latest bumper sticker acquisition:

Trump’s rising in the polls right now. I’m in despair and feel like he’s going to win. Jim says I always get this way.. defeated whenever the momentum shifts.

I read 538 every day–the most rational, reasoned, carefully analyzed results available. Nate Silver’s hugely respected and has a solid reputation for accuracy. He keeps me sane. He still has Hillary with a 67.4% chance of winning, but the trend is downward and doofus is closing in.

I liked it much better when it was 90-10.

Presently, it looks like this:

Despair justifiable?

Uh… yeah.

I don’t think today’s was the last River Cats game Jim, Peter and I will ever go to.. I mean, there’s always next season and Peter will likely be home over the summer, and it’s very possible we’ll go to a game … I just don’t know, don’t want to think about it.**

But today’s was the last game of this season. Thus my title.

Having not gone to any this year (on second thought, we saw a game, I believe, the day Peter was honored with that All-City distinction last spring (so sweet)), we were entirely unfamiliar with the players and fairly uninvested in the outcome (they lost).

It was nice to be sitting in a shady section on a warm day, though, eating lots of ballpark food…

Hotdogs, beer (me), Red Vines… plus those hot peanuts they serve–here’s a particularly large specimen…

and cotton candy…

(kind of disgusting but so, so good.)

Jim ordered a chicken fajita bowl (I think it was called). He was in agony for the first hour of the game while trying to recover from a small bite of a VERY hot chile pepper. I tried a small corner and understood immediately his pain. Lesson: stick to standard ballpark fare.

He did recover..

Besides sitting between my two most favorite people on the planet, which makes me insanely happy, I saw a new thing at the game that was also very smile-worthy:

Dinger now has offspring. Dingettes? Little Dingers? They are a really cute addition to the many (many!) game extras.

~~

** Quite out of the blue, as we were watching pre-game player warm ups, I lost it. I was thinking about the game Peter pitched here last spring, the one he started and went five innings, and how they won the game.. it was probably his best outing of the entire season and happened on the big fancy Raley Field.. so wonderful. I was also thinking, in general, about Peter’s lifetime of baseball and how that was over and how much it had shaped his life, our life, how beautifully it served him. I was touched by the way the guys threw balls back and forth, how comfortable they were with the ball, the environment, each other. I saw a guy double clutch and that did it. Peter was a double clutcher, I loved his double clutch. I just started to cry.

He didn’t see it. Good.

I enjoyed his commentary a few times during the game, in particular on a failed bunt play in which our guy was thrown out at third, caught way off the bag… as he’d planned to score but didn’t get the bunt he expected. Loved hearing him comment on the pitching. I’m dying to know how he’s processing it all–his life in baseball, his years as a varsity pitcher, the ups and downs, the friendships. Is he proud of his accomplishments? Does he think of himself as a baseball player? I so wonder if he’ll miss it. I so wonder if he’ll play club ball next year at UCSD.

Deep breath.

A good place for dinner, if you’re in the neighborhood is the Monte Vista Inn, at the Dutch Flat exit off I-80. It’s called an inn, but it isn’t one; it’s a restaurant.

It’s like a Cheers hangout for the people who live up there… i.e., our hiking buddies.

We drove up to meet them for dinner tonight.. here’re Heidi and Jim in the bar:

Here’s Heidi’s Jim chattin’ up some locals (they know everybody):

Here we are toward the end of a two hour dinner:

Me, Heidi, Susan and three Jim’s (mine’s taking the picture at my request).

They do desserts. Really good desserts. They make most of them all onsite and it’s hard to decide which way to go. Jim and I split a chocolate chip bundt cake with vanilla ice cream. Coulda gone the pie route..

Good time had by all.

You really takin’ a picture of me mid-bite??

Me? No, no… taking a [very unflattering] picture of dad testing out the french toast!

So happy to be back in town with my guys, engaging in our Sunday morning brunch ritual, this time at Village Bakery and Pizza…

On a beautiful morning…

So incredibly happy to be home.

~~

And, can’t not post a couple of aerials from yesterday’s flight:

Leaving LA, PV peninsula in distance, of course…

And dropping into the Sacramento Valley…

~~

And with that, I’ve caught up with a summer of blogs. If you’re a regular reader, or even not, you’ve noticed, or not, that I’ve bounced all over the place, adding a blog post here and there, completely out of order, all in an untimely way. It’s been a crazy time of vacations (Hawaii, Yosemite, La Jolla), celebrations (graduation, grad night, Peter’s 18th birthday and River’s 1st, Jim’s 45th high school reunion) mixed with several trips south to be with mom, and I haven’t been able to keep up with blogging. I’ve backfilled as time allowed–confusing everyone along the way–but now I’m caught up. Whew.

I’m good, aren’t I? Got this shot while waiting at an interminable red light, just before entering the tunnel that burrows beneath the runway at Los Angeles International Airport.

Just a quick snap, but a good one, huh?

And I guess this is my now-traditional shot of my food at Rock & Brews in the #1 terminal.. another example of life imitates art:

I should note, I am sitting next to someone who is famous. I don’t know who it is, but I’m guessing a high-level LA area government official, based on the number of people coming by shaking his hand, thanking him for what he said, thanking him for what he’s going to do for them. If I find out who it is, I’ll post.

So, yeah, heading back up north. Been a journey these last few weeks, sure there will be more to say. But for now, returning to Davis to spend some time with my guys, and I am so happy about it!

I referred to this earlier… the array of medical services available to home-bound (temporary or ongoing) patients. Almost nothing that can’t be done at home.. very cool!

Jason the X-Ray tech shoots a picture of mom’s lungs:

He just wheeled the thing in, took two pics (mom even holds her own plates) and off he went to the next house. The photos were immediately entered into her record, available to all her people. A conversation was had with her pulmonologist and primary by afternoon and antibiotics prescribed. Voila.

Modern medicine.