Life of Wry

Three days ago:

Me: Oh boy, you have a concert coming up! Do you have everything you need?  Reeds? 

Him: I’m good.

Me: Do your black pants and white shirt still fit?

Him: Yep.

Me: Try them on, maybe? It’s been awhile since you’ve worn them.

Him: Nope.

Me: Need anything else?

Him: Nope.

Tonight, 6:15 (he has to be at the performance hall by 6:30):

Me: How are those pants?

Him: They’re fine. 

Jim: They’re so tight he can barely breathe.

Him: Do we have any others?

Me: [Pulls slacks out of the closet] You could wear these.

Him: No.

Me: How about….

Him: NO.

Me: You have th…

Him: NO!

Me: Ok, well, those will work, then.

Him: I need black socks.  [Yells down hall to Jim] Can I borrow some black socks? [Adds with a surprising lack of embarrassment:] Do we have any black shoes?

Me: [Noting silently his choice of pronouns] Peter..

At the front door, 6:25:

Him: Where’s my sax?

Me: Under the piano (where it always is), how come it’s not in the car already? Load it in the car, let’s go, chop chop.  Wait, where are your shoes?! Peter!

In the car, 6:30:

Him: [In an amusing state of dishevelment, and a shocking lack of time-sense:] We have time to go to Watermelon Music.

Me: ???!! 

Him: I could use a new reed. 

Me: [Eyebrows up.]

Him: I’d play a lot better with a new reed.

Me: Nope, gotta go. That would have been useful information three days ago.

Him: I left my neck strap at school, I could get another one…

Me: [Cold stare.]

Arrive at performance hall, 6:35:

Him: Oh shi… I forgot my mouthpiece.

Me: Peter…

Him: [Somewhat panicked:] Can you go back and get it?

Me: [Drops him off, does a hasty time calculation, drives home. Talks to self entire way.]

Back stage, 6:45:

Me: Here’s your mouthpiece. Oh, and your music–you left it in the car.

Him: [Smiles.]

Me: [Smiles, sorta.] Knock ’em dead.

Driving home, 9:00:

Him: Did you like it? Could you hear me? Did you hear N– mess up the whole piece? Did you like Mr. Quick’s joke? Which piece did you like the best? I liked the last one. Did you see B–? Did you record it? All of it?  All the pieces we played? [Answering my question about how he managed when all his music fell off the stand:] It was fine, I knew it all by heart. And next concert… Oh, and next year…   [On and on and on and on…]

Me: [Smiles.]