Life of Wry

David Breaux gave a thoughtful presentation tonight at the Davis Community Church.  He spoke about how, in June of 2009, he came to stand on the corner of 3rd and C in Davis, California, and about his experiences as he’s invited people to share their views on compassion.  I learned even more about him and was moved by his comments.  And by his delivery…he’s a very warm and gracious speaker.  And funny.   He was also effective at engaging the people in the audience (about 50-60 people, old, college age, a few younger ones and perhaps some who are homeless), so it was also interesting to hear comments and stories from others.

Over a period of two years and thousands of conversations, he’s observed some common threads, and, after lots of thought, has come to his own working definition of compassion. He estimates he’s spoken with 10,000 people, 5,000 of whom have taken the time to write comments in his journals.  Many more walk past without talking.  Still, that’s a lot of input.

So, what has he learned?  Here is David’s definition of compassion:

 

First, compassion starts with the ability to listen. To be quiet and still and open, and to really listen– to what others say, to what your conscience says–and take it in w/o judgment.

Second, as you’re listening, acknowledge the person who’s talking.  Be active in your listening–feedback, reflect, nod, pay attention, focus on the person talking, look at them, see them and hear them.   This is amazing for the one talking; it’s affirming and satisfying to be heard.  As many in the room said, following an exercise in which we paired up and shared a personal story, being acknowledged is a gratifying experience.  Listening in this way can also be a rich experience.

Third,  do your best to understand.  David’s view is that this is the hard part and can take a long time.  In some cases, understanding comes quickly, in other cases not.  It may require you to come to know and/or appreciate the perspective or experience of a person with whom you disagree (or worse).   It can be complicated and difficult and easy to resist. He says to expect it to take time.  The understanding will come if you’re open to it.

Finally, unequivocally: act.  Empathy and sympathy are good and necessary, but acting on them is what turns a thought into something that actually benefits somebody.

I paraphrase all this, but in his words: listening, acknowledging, understanding, acting.

Seems like a nice way to be.

Note 1: I wrote about my experience working with David in an earlier blog post.. you can read more about his book here. 

Note 2: The picture is taken down the street from the church, looking up a lighted tree, on my walk home.. via Newsbeat for some candy..]