Life of Wry

Stricken with a bad case of self-consciousness suddenly.  Find myself seriously second guessing my blog, its purpose, the subject matter, my writing style, my lack of writing style.  Whatever.  Suddenly, midway through my take-a-picture-every-day-and-write-about-it-because-that-forces-me-to-actually-write year-long project, I’m wondering:  Uh.. good use of time?  Productive and useful?  Can I even write??

It’s not the first time.  But I usually come back to, yeah, it’s a fine idea, the exercise is good, keep goin’.

Still, though, the self-consciousness.  Mostly, it arises out of a sense that this Life of Wry thing is just way too much me.

Blogging is so exposing.  I forget (not really, but sort of) that people out there are actually going to read this shi…. uh.. stuff. When somebody leaves a comment or talks with me about something I’ve written, I think to myself, man, [that person] read what I wrote. They read my blog.  Huh.  Suddenly we’ve left the theoretical world, where blogging seems like a modern, fun idea, and moved into the real world where someone (lots of someones) is actually reading the thoughts in my head.

Ew.

Thing is, when I’m sitting here writing, I’m just tap tap tapping away on my laptop, quite alone in my thoughts. I’m thinkin’ the thoughts, tapping them out, seeing them on the screen.  I read them, they seem like me, they’re in my voice, I get them.  And they’re fairly benign. Me, in the company of me, is pretty stress free.  I’m a person I know and accommodate well.

So, as long as it’s just me writing, just me and my thoughts, it’s ok.  The point at which I remember there are people who subscribe and receive my blog in their email box or in their blog reader, who read my words and interpret them through their own lenses, I start to seize up. Or get a little paranoid.. so much is out of my hands as soon as I click the Publish button.

Will people read my entries as I’ve written them?  Have I said something that might offend them?  Have I been overly personal? Have I exposed somebody in a way they’d rather not be exposed?  Have I violated somebody’s privacy?   Every time a new person learns about my blog, I wonder, oh shit, did I say something in some past blog entry I’d not want them to read?  Might there be consequences for my speaking cavalierly about this or that?  (Which I so do.)  I worry about relatives who hold vastly differing political views.  I worry about anytime I may have taken a bit of poetic license.   I worry that somewhere along the line, I’ve contradicted myself or exposed a side of me that that person didn’t know.

So there’s all that.

But again, sometimes I just worry is that there is just too much of me .  I start to feel embarrassed that I’ve revealed too much, shown my cards, exposed my vulnerabilities, written too much, too often…. like, who cares?  And then my inclination is to clam up.  Which is not really the point of blogging.

Social media is a fascinating little phenomenon.  It’s fundamentally changing the way we communicate, it’s an absolutely HUGE part of an emerging and still nascent online culture… and… yadda yadda,  I love this stuff and can talk about it for hours, and DO in the classes I teach on the subject.

..but back to the heebie jeebies I sometimes get blogging..

Blogging’s inherently narcissistic, I know that.  It’s a lot of other really good things, but for sure it requires a measure of narcissism.  In my classes, I often talk about how modern communication is all about putting yourself out there.  Being your authentic self, letting go of the barriers and limitations of old communication.  (Ha.)  And really, this is liberating in many ways; there is no need to protect your image, no need to spend time spinning your story for public consumption. No need to hide behind some carefully crafted version of yourself.   One CAN do that, but that’s way too hard if you’re writing a blog every day about the mundane things that go on in your life.  Besides, it’s disingenuous.

If you’re Lady Gaga and you’re selling an image, you’ve got a team of brand artists and some kind of brand standards to uphold for maximum effect and profit.  If that’s the case, then you have to think carefully about your online persona.  But if you’re just a regular joe writing a daily blog, you might just decide, hell, it’s much easier (if exposing) to open up and be yourself.  Just go for it.

Right?

Right (trying to convince myself).

It’s a new day.  People are out there in ways they’ve never really been before.  Social media exposes you:  your tastes, your affiliations, your talents, your whereabouts, and just about every damn thing; it pretty much eliminates any pretense of privacy, mystery or coyness.  So you may as well embrace the realness.

It’s that authentic thing, which takes me right to this wonderful sentiment:

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind. 

– Dr. Seuss

(Photo: Hot air balloon sighting at oh seven thirty, while on campus this Sunday morning with Bella the dog and her owner Sabrina.)